Do you remember those quizes you used to get in Just Seventeen and all your teen magazines? What Kind Of Girlfriend Are You? What’s Your Summer Style? Who Is Your Celebrity Love Match? Well here is my own quiz to help you determine what kind of mum you are.
1. You are in a cafe and your toddler is having an almighty tantrum for a piece of chocolate cake. Do you…
A) Gently but firmly explain she cannot have chocolate cake as it is almost lunchtime. You offer her an unsalted rice cake instead and distract her by singing ‘Wind The Bobbin Up’ 36 times until she calms down.
B) Buy 2 pieces of cake, one for each of you. If you can’t beat them, join them!
C) Take out your vintage tiffin box of pre-prepared mung-bean hummus and a selection of crudités. Your toddler doesn’t really like chocolate anyway and happily munches on the radish medley.
2. You are at a soft play. Baby does a Poonami, a Total Body Poo, a Full Code Brown, an explosive Back Poo. What do you do?
A) What’s the problem? You have a selection of seasonal outfits colour-coded in your beautiful leather changing bag. You quickly clean baby using an organic spritz you keep on hand for such occasions and re-dress him in a new Boden outfit.
B) You run out of wipes halfway through cleaning the poo and resort to using dampened toilet roll. After attempting to cram baby into a baby gro two sizes too small that was at the bottom of your bag (you’ve been meaning to put a bigger one in there!!) you exit the baby change with half naked baby and ask your friend if you can borrow her spare outfit. Unfortunately, her child is female and it’s a dress. Defeated, you head home.
C) You clean baby with your homemade reusable baby wipes and wrap him in your hand-embroidered Himalayan Hemp scarf. By poking a hole in it, you fashion a marvellous poncho and everyone at the soft play asks where you’ve bought it. You take your design onto Dragon’s Den and eventually set up a Social Enterprise. 67 Himalayan women now make the Eco Baby-Cho and single handedly support their families. You are named Green Parent and Eco Entrepeneur of the year.
3. Your toddler hears you swear and immediately copies you. Do you…?
A) Firmly explain that this is not appropriate. If it happens again toddler will have to spend 2 minutes on the Naughty Step. You then use this as an opportunity to practice jolly phonics and think of other words beginning with ‘f f f f f…’
B)You laugh so hard you have to turn away. She even managed to use it in context! After composing yourself you decide to ignore it and hope toddler will never repeat it again. You are relieved it was at least not the ‘c-bomb’ that Daddy used in the car last week. Later on you post it on Facebook and laugh about it with your friends 🙈🙉🙊
C) All words are expressive, fluid, meaningful. There is no such thing as a bad word. And, anyway, she wasn’t swearing. Fuk is the name of the organic thread handwoven into the Eco Baby-Cho. It is made from the wool of small Himalayan Squirrels and is what makes the Eco Baby-Cho-Cho so soft. She is SO clever!
4. You are at an NCT get-together
comparing children happily chatting when your child hits another child. Do you…?
A) Immediately remove your child from the situation. He must sit on a chair in the corner for 6 minutes and think about his actions. You ban treats and TV for the next week and see it through. You research ‘toddler, hitting’ exhaustively on the internet so you are well prepared in discipline techniques in case it should happen again. Luckily it doesn’t.
B) You inwardly cheer. Rupert is a right little bastard and you have been fighting the urge to deck him yourself for the last 21 months of NCT coffee mornings. You make a mental note to tell Daddy when you get home, he will be delighted his offspring has finally stood up to Rupert. Bowing to peer pressure, you make your child sit on the naughty step for 23 seconds until you feel you’ve made your point.
C) Moonbeam would never hit anyone! He was simply practising his favourite Ashtanga Baby Yoga pose. You recommend some sequences to Rupert’s Mummy that will help him improve his coordination and balance so that he doesn’t run into your child’s fist again. You wonder why Rupert’s Mummy is not more grateful of your advice.
5. You have been at the park for over 3 hours and desperately want to go home. Your child will not get into the pushchair and is arching her back and screaming. Do you…
A) Whip out your novelty animal baby reigns, she loves those! She obediently straps them on and you enjoy a lovely walk home. You utilise the opportunity to learn more about nature and collect a variety of roadside treasures which you later make into a collage together.
B) You apply the ‘CROTCH PIN’ using your knee, both hands and an elbow. Once you have manhandled her in you throw various snacks at her and run home as fast as you can.
C) You agree that the confines of a pushchair are restrictive and stifling and abandon your Bugaboo at the park. You and your child hold hands and skip home singing nursery rhymes. Oh what it is to be free!
6. It is the school bake sale! What have you contributed?
A) You have been scouring Pinterest for weeks and created a board of ideas. You have decided to opt for an array of cupcakes decorated in the school colours, handmade biscuits with the school logo and marshmallows on sticks. You were tying ribbons (in the school colours, of course) around them at 3am this morning.
B) You only remembered last night so quickly made Rice Krispie cakes with the kids. It involved a lot of shouting as they kept eating most of the mixture. Later, your husband didn’t realise they were for school and ate 3 of them. Eventually, you handed in 4 cakes.
C) Nothing. You don’t think cake sales are appropriate, even if the proceeds do go to the school. In fact, you may start home schooling your children.
Did you answer mostly As Bs or Cs?
Congratulations, you are a SUPER MUM! Highly organised and creative, you excel at Motherhood! Gina Ford’s routines where a breeze for you and you make SuperNanny look like a slacker. Just remember, you don’t have to be perfect. Not everyone finds it as easy as you, so you should probably keep your Super Mum status to yourself in case you appear smug. Don’t be smug.
You are a NORMAL MUM! Well done anyway! You find organisation challenging and life is a series of highs and lows. Luckily, your amazing sense of humour sees you through this emotional rollercoaster of parenting. Keep on ploughing through, your children will eventually grow up to respect you. Probably. You should probably reduce your alcohol intake.
Wow, you are an EARTH MOTHER! You are a loving, peaceful, organic Goddess. Your children are blessed with your nurturing abilities and will grow up to be true individuals. Try to ensure sure they do have the adequate RDA of iron from their vegan diet and that they are not complete little shits since you don’t believe in discipline.